Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
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Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?