would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
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The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids