Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
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Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
My dad is at it again
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.