Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
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[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
WTF IS THAT!
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
My apartment is a mess, I should move
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
drew a comic about my origin story
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words