“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
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[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Body by Oreos
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
March 16
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.