Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
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I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.