“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
You Might Also Like
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
our love story in four pictures
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.