“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
You Might Also Like
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.