Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
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I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.