Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
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Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
A bold strategy
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
What flavor cupcake are these
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.