“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
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Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?