“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
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Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
This squirrel eats better than I do
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.