Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
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The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.