Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
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My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Me too 😆
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.