would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
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This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.