Wow 🤣
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Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
inside you are two wolves
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”