Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
You Might Also Like
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
The three genders
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’