Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

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honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*


BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir


It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.


You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.


I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.


[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]


I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.