Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
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*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.