“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
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I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
At least he brought enough for everyone
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”