“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

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Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.


The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.


My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?


I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.


People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.


The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.


“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”

“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”

“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”


My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.