@danjan13 Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
@amburgklur “Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
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@danjan13 
@RandomAntics The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
@prncss_fifi My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
@starwarsshirt I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
@JermHimselfish People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
@gbergan The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
@withanewname “Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
@capnwatsisname How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
@marcusparkersol I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
@karanbirtinna My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.