“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
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Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.