@amburgklur

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

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@danjan13

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

@RandomAntics

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

@prncss_fifi

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

@starwarsshirt

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

@JermHimselfish

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

@gbergan

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

@withanewname

“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”

“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”

“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”

@karanbirtinna

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.