“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
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Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.