“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
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Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
an octopus is just a wet spider
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”