@HotBitHoran

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

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@BadMikeyBad

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

@lilooet

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

@GuyThe_Guy

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

@dubstep4dads

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

@oldfriend99

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

@protolalia

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

@UncleDuke1969

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

@Shade510

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes