Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
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When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen