Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
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I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*