Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
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I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time