“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
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End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.