Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
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Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them