Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
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For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.