“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
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I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful