Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
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I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.