@Shade510

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

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@weinerdog4life

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

@Jake_Vig

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

@Tommytoughstuff

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

@Social_Mime

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

@noog

Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”

@goodgrief_rats

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

@ThisOneSayz

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

@murrman5

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

@curlymalloy

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!