The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
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When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!