Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
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Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
wait.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda