Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
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Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?