“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
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the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?