Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
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I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
This is sending me to another galaxy
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.