“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
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Time heals everything 🙂
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.