Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
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*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby