Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
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“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here