“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
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This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
#math
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
My dog ate my work from home.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras