Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
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THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.