Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
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Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
estão todos miauvindo?
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
(Electricians.)
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.