Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
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Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Sunday
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.