“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
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So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.