“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
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According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
*puts my mental health in rice
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
being a writer on Twitter:
Birds & Planes.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.