wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
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6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag