Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
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Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Bring back the McRib
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet