Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
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“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here