Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
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Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Wait a minute…
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it