*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
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I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”