Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
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Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.