writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
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I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
All food is good if you spell it wrong
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.