writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
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Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
If a snake ate a cake
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”